You’ve obviously realised by now that this issue is about Glam. By the time you’ve finished reading this magazine (or just looking at the pictures) you would have had enough bright coloured lipstick, smeared sequins and alter egos to last you the rest of 2011.
Imagine if you had woken up in the early hours of 2011 lying on the floor, dressed in a blue catsuit with glitter in your hair and a puddle of drool under the corner of your mouth. Well that mess was me on the 1st of Jan and the Glam rock themed new years party which preceded this ugly scene was to blame. That is the reason why I don’t feel like writing about Glam. Instead this article will be far more traditional; the ultimate new years resolution list. Trust me, I need one.
Resolution Number ONE; I shall find myself a canon. After the death of the legendary american writer Hunter S Thompson, his ashes were exploded out of a canon on top of a mountain in Colorado. None other than Johnny Depp lit the taper. This is a very very good way to go. Forget Johnny Depp tho, I don’t know him. Why spend so much money on a burial plot when a story like that will travel for so far and for so long. Please note, my resolution makes no implication that I will die in 2011, I just want a canon. A little post life theatre can’t be a bad thing.
Resolution Number TWO; Be Kind Not Nice. Who likes Nice? Nice isn’t sexy nor is it honest. People are only nice when they want something or when they just want to get you out of the way. Being nice is like being drunk too many times in a week. You feel tired, anaesthetised and very angry underneath. Kind, is sincere and takes more effort. The plus side is that you don’t have to do it as often. It does take a lot more control however, and that takes discipline. But we all know that discipline makes you feel better about yourself. So, being nice makes you feel like shit and being kind makes you feel good and zen like. Be careful to not be too pious however, then everyone thinks your just a self satisfied prick.
Resolution Number THREE; Embrace The Posse. I went to see a play about Onassis recently and one thing struck me. Very rarely during the two hour show was he ever shown without an entourage. He reminded me of my Arab friends who always go out it groups, or of rappers who’s entourage impose a sense of importance and inconvenience on everyone around them, which is the point I think. I come from a Lebanese background, with a big and very close family. Hardly ever do I go anywhere for work or play, where I am not surrounded by at least 3 or four people. Often this entourage has made me feel uncomfortable. As if, more could be achieved or observed If I were more subtle in my movements. This year I shall embrace my crew. Even if my entourage is not as cool as a rapper’s or as powerful as Onassis’, I shall walk walk around with my sisters, friends, dog, a couple 80 year old family members and of course my mother, all in line and with our heads held high.
Resolution Number FOUR; Find A Henchman. Ok so this is a bit of a continuation of number three but still merits its own resolution. I want a chinese looking, quiet and elegant, quite small gentleman, in a suit and tie, preferably in his mid thirties, to follow me around, everywhere. He shouldn’t say to much but must have a doctorate in something obscure, like the behaviour of a subspecies of amazonian red ant. He will be my confidant, the other part of my brain, my filter to people I cross. He will frighten the seedy and reassure the wise. Aplications welcome.
Resolution Number FIVE; Work All The Time. You know those self help guides that tell you to take lots of holiday and spend time away from work? Well, their bullshit. Those guides are written by self promoting workaholic who want you to buy their books, feel crap again and then buy another one. When you don’t work enough you fell like terrible. The things that you used to look forward to, like a drink after work or a favourite TV show, no longer have the same appeal. The more you work the more you value everything and everyone around you. At my age how could this be a bad thing?
I hope I inspire you. I think I’ve inspired myself. Feel free to borrow some of my resolutions and make them your own, just stay away from the henchman idea, if everyone gets one, it could get a little confusing. Happy new year! Nota Benne, that was said with kindness, I’m not being nice.
Translation in Progress
